The player performance ratings in this weeks edition of the Kaipaki Herald should read something like this… ratings are out of 10.
– has taken over the mantel, from Simon Bratton, of ‘Mr Cool’ in the team. His dark sunglasses, mullet and swagger make him the ideal man to play a leading role in the remake of ‘The Blues Brothers’. Had a useful performance with the bat and wicket keeping gloves but like his predecessor Bratton his unwillingness to speak makes running between wickets very confusing and
sometimes outright impossible… 7
– Brings great humour into the changing room and is challenging John Parker for best cricket stories. Would be an interesting contest to see who was funnier out of Howard Baker and Sklens – I pick Sklens at this stage because at least he contributes runs and plus Howard has ginger hair. Made a well compiled 56 that included mostly boundaries. The running between wickets between a guy who doesn’t speak and a guy that doesn’t run is as comical as Nick Groves bowling action. It was no surprise that Sklens was eventually run out by a length of a pitch. 7
– Kaipaki’s marquee cricketer put in a very selfish performance on Saturday. He hit 149 off 75 balls and at one point hit 29 off one over including 4 consecutive sixes. Fraser is getting no more attention and must learn to share runs with his team mates. 2
– Did Chris Play?
– has decided that the pathway through playing for Kaipaki is the ideal one to regain his All Blacks spot. Big news to the ‘Nation’ is that he was called into replace Carter and Barrett as Piri Weepu can play 10 – however Kaipaki have not released him due to the fact the NZRU are unwilling to pay out the transfer fee that ultimately would of paid for our tour to the West Indies next year. Batted well to score 78. 9
– His philosophy of calling for head at the toss and not tails (because that would be weird ) continued to be a good one. 12
– On debut Jarrid has become Kaipaki’s 2nd best left arm bowler. His 3 – 41 wasn’t bad but needs to learn the art of the long follow through, the glare and the loudness of the grunt if he is to get to number 1. Batted well and scored 41no. His Mrs (or Mr) made fantastic chocolate brownies – unfortunately Dotcodotnz thought they were good also and spotted them before the
rest of the team could enter the pavilion. 8
– Outstanding debut for Kaipaki. Not only did he turn up in the tightest smallest stubbies I’ve seen but he has turned up with a magnificent moustache that would be the envy of any 80’s porn star. He also has something that a lot of us don’t as 3 very classy looking females came to watch him. It didn’t seem to make a difference to the field placings…having 9 blokes on the ‘Long On’ boundary is normal. 10
– The future of our team had a pretty impressive performance. 3 – 7 off 3 overs is pretty good but even more impressive is the fact he communicated with the 3 girls on the bank and even got a laugh out of them. The future of Kaipaki is in good hands.
– had an extremely good lunch. This was one of the more impressive array of plates that there’s been so for ‘Dotco’ this was better than winning vouchers to 4 Square. We let him have an hour of digestive time this week which did nothing to improve
his performance. 3
– His Dad runs Waikato Valley Cricket so obviously he is going to be a very valuable member of the team. He’s tall, he’s fast, he bowls heaps of no balls…all the ingredients to be the best fast bowler in the team. 7
Kaipaki Total – 441 for 5 (Kilgour 149, Leonard 78, Skleners 56,
Hyde 46, Foster 41no, Steffert 30 beat Taumarunui 162 all out (Foster 3 – 41,
Hurren 3-7) by 279 runs
Yours in shopping for stubbies and growing a moustache,
Kaipaki Cricket Director